When in Rome...

Intellectual property rights are not well respected here in China.
With this in mind I wanted to copy the following for your amusement, I do not however intend to pass it off as my own work.
Like most amusing emails it came on a rather circuitous route, so I can't even give credit to whoever wrote it - through correct use of the term 'bumper' we reckon we have narrowed it down to a Brit, although it also uses 'jaywalking' so who knows - anyway salutes to whoever it was, because this is funny and accurate.

The basics of Driving in China…
Here is the explanation of a simple concept: the left turn.
For the ones who live in China: an overview of what we live everyday
For the ones who are out of China: happy memories of the traffic here!
STEP 1:


We see here a typical intersection. The light has just turned green for the east-west
streets, and car [A], an enormous black Audi with pitch black windows, wants to make
a left turn into the southbound lanes. Pedestrians wait on each corner. (For purposes of this demonstration, we’ll assume no one is running the north-south red light, and no one is jaywalking - a rather large assumption.)
Step 2:


To make a left turn, it is VITAL that [A] cut off all eastbound traffic as soon as
possible. The first few brave or foolish legitimate pedestrians step off the curb; this is of no concern. [A] makes his move.
Step3:


NO! Too slow! [A] has managed to partially block [B], a brand new purple and yellow
Hyundai taxi, but [A] has only achieved whatBeijing drivers would consider a ‘weak’
blocking position.
Step 4:


In this detail, we can see why: [A] has only inserted his left bumper and cannot move
forward without contact. [B], on the other hand, is in the dominant position - by
putting his wheel hard to the right and flooring it, he can fully block [A].
Step 5:


[B] proceeds to swerve right, cutting off [C], a tiny red Peugeot with a gold plastic
dragon hood ornament, spoiler and assorted knobs glued on. Since [B] is just
accelerating, and [C] is now decelerating, this has created a low-density ‘dead space’ in the intersection. [D], a strange blue tricycle dumptruck carrying what appear to be 40 of the world’s oldest propane tanks, sees this and makes a move.
Step 6:


DENIED! [E], an old red taxi with its name sloppily stenciled in white on its doors,
has boldly cut across two lanes of traffic, behind [D], and then swerved right, driving [D] into an extremely weak position behind [A]. Meanwhile, [B] and [C] are still fighting for position, with [C] muscling his way into the crosswalk. The only thing between [E] and a successful left turn is a few lawful pedestrians. [E] steps on the gas…
Step 7:


…and is cut off by [F], an elderly man pedaling his tricycle verrrryyy slooooowwwly
with a 15-foot-diameter sphere of empty plastic cooking oil bottles bungee-corded
haphazardly to the cargo area. He was part of the lawful pedestrians, but seeing the
stalled traffic, decided to cut diagonally across the intersection. Not only has [F]
blocked [E], he is headed straight at [B], giving [C] the edge he needs.
Step 8:


[B] concedes to [C], who drives in the crosswalk behind [F] and blocks [E].
Meanwhile, [G], a herd of about 20 bicycles, mopeds, pedestrians and wheelbarrows,
sensing weakness in the eastbound lane and seeing that much of the westbound traffic
is blocked behind [D], breaks north against the light. [F] pedals doggedly onward at
about 2 miles per hour, his face like chiseled marble.
Step 9:


Now things get interesting. [C] has broken free and, as the first vehicle to get where he was going, wins. [E] makes a move to block [B] but, like [A] at the start of the left turn, only gains a ‘weak’ block. [A] has cleverly let [F] pass and guns into a crowd of [G], which both moves [A] forward and drives some [G] stragglers into the path of [D], clearing [A]’s flanks. Little now stands between [A] and a strong second-place finish.
Step 10:


Except for public bus [H], one of those double buses with the accordion-thing
connector. [H] has been screaming unnoticed along the eastbound sidewalk and now
careens dangerously into a U-turn. This doesn’t appear to concern the 112 people
packed inside and pressed against the windows (although that could be due to a lack of oxygen.) [H] completely blocks both [A] and [D]. On the other side of the
intersection, [B] has swerved into the lawful pedestrians (who aren’t important enough to warrant a letter) and has gained position on [E]. [E] has forgotten the face of his father: He was so focused on his battle with [B] that he lost sight of the ultimate goal and is now hopelessly out of position. This clears the path for dark horse [I], a blue Buick Lacrosse, to cut all the way across behind [H] and become the second vehicle to get where he was going (and the first to complete a left turn), since [F] has changed his mind again and is now gradually drifting north into the southbound lanes. But everyone better hurry, because the light is about to change…
Step 11:


Step 12:

And we're ready to start over...

Just in case you think this is a figment of someone's over-worked imagination, I'll finish with an actual photograph taken by a friend, Richard who has recently moved south from Beijing to Sichuan (where the pandas and spicy food are). This requires no caption: